So I’s readin’ this post from the good folks at Surly, which incidentally features a whole buncha people doin’ awesome things with their Big Dummies, and caught an excerpt of this Best of Craigslist post from an anonymous bike shop rat in Seattle. At first, I thought it was pretty funny, there were certainly some clever quips like…

I can tell you, if there is one thing I’ve learned from you fucking squirrels, it’s that “doesn’t shift right” means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I’ll let you know for sure.

Tee hee, stupid people sure are stupid, ain’t they? But I read on, and before it was over, Anonymous had dumped buckets of manure on:

• People that want to have their bike serviced because it’s sunny out, and they’re ready to ride again
• People on the phone for a variety of reasons
• “Inventive types and Do-It-Yourselfers”, with a special flip of the finger to anyone on a recumbent
• Hipsters, for whom Anonymous gets especially vitriolic (and, by the way Anonymous, there’s an ‘o’ in ‘Douchebag’, I think a ‘Duchebag’ is something you pass on the lef’ han’ side)
• People who want to buy a new bike, with bonus put-downs if you’re interested in racing or triathlons
• Anyone with kids

I thought it was going to be funny, and it was, sort of, for a little while. But as I read on, it began to dawn on me that perhaps this person’s in the wrong business. So I’m going to do a little ranting here, you have my apologies in advance. Let me speak directly to Anonymous for a moment.

Anonymous, do you wish that your customers didn’t have such silly, ill-conceived notions about what they needed, were clear and succinct on the phone, and could give you the specs you needed to help them find the parts they wanted? You may have some of those customers, which will be nice for you, but I’m afraid that many of them now order their parts over the Internet.

The thing is, Anonymous, the same Internet that allows you to publicly unload on those people making your days intolerable (i.e. “customers”) also took away your job as the Gatekeeper of the QBP Catalog, which means you’re going to have to find other reasons to exist. You’ll have to help people who don’t know as much about bikes as you do. You’ll probably have to correct some misconceptions about the kind of bike they need, or how much it will cost. You may have to inform them that there’s no way to know how long a bike will last a growing child, or that the parts for the hot rod they’re building in their garages don’t exist. You may have to help someone find a part for their recumbent, or correct the bad advice someone gave your ironically-mustachioed customer about their fixie.

Undoubtedly, you will have to do something you find irritating, and maybe not for the first or last time that day.

Because ya know what? That’s showbiz, Anonymous. That’s what retail’s all about. That’s why your shop isn’t dead now, crushed like so many others by JensonUSA, Universal Cycles, and eBay. Your shop survives because you, the owner, salesperson, or wrench adds value to the purchase with your expert advice, technical expertise, and comforting demeanor.

Does it mean, Anonymous, that you’ll have to provide advice and service for the masses, many of whom are ignorant, ill-mannered and thoughtless? Yepper, it sure does. It means that frequently, you’ll have some shit to eat and pride to swallow if you want to make that sale, and win that customer’s loyalty, rather than their enmity. But that’s why it’s called “work”, and not “blowjob from a unicorn”.

Let me provide just a few of the reasons I’m willing to pay more for parts, and wait longer for them to arrive, from a few local shops here in DC:

• As a citizen, I like being loyal to small, locally-owned businesses that employ local cyclists and support local cycling organizations.
• As an “inventive type” “do-it-yourselfer”, I like talking face-to-face with knowledgeable folks that can help me with the dizzying array of compatibility matrices, and keep me from going too far down dead-ends. I also like holding things in my hands before I buy them.
• As a parent, I like knowing that the local shop’s okay with me bringing the kids, because if I’m going to do some live shopping, instead of shopping by laptop, it may very well mean that the kids gotta come with. And man, if the folks at the local shop even know my kids’ names? I may just go ahead and buy Little Mermaid / Thomas the Tank Engine bikes on the spot, even if they are set up with an XTR build kit. Because my family is the most important thing in my life, which might be funny to you, but that’s f’real, dig?

I realize this sounds like I’m being self-centered, that this is all about my needs. But ultimately, as the customer making the choice about where I’m going to spend my money, that’s my role in the relationship. If you don’t have something no one else does, and you don’t have the best price, then there’s gotta be another compelling reason for my loyalty and continued patronage. The other tricky part for you, Anonymous, is that if I feel like I’m getting vibed, you’ll never have to worry about me, or anyone I tell about the experience, coming into your shop to annoy you again.

So, Anonymous, good luck this summer, and here’s hoping you and your shop survive it.

PS: I eagerly await a reasoned yet devastating response from a real-life bike shop owner I’ll just call “Jim” (because that’s his name), setting me straight about the indignities of running a bike shop. It wouldn’t surprise me a bit to learn from others’ experience that my take on this is totally wrong, and that I’m a jerk for feeling this way. But it’s not like I haven’t worked retail, or railed on shitty customers privately to other folks working the floor. That Craigslist post just gravelled my ass.

PPS: I’d be remiss if I didn’t give some love to the folks that make bike world a better place to live. My favorite shop in DC is City Bikes, far and away. Being the tinkering parent of toddlers that I am, it does not escape me that they not only tolerate my questions and my kids, but do so with grace and a smile. They’re awesome. I’ve also been well treated at The Bike Rack (who also carry Swobo!), and Proteus is a great shop as well if you’re up in that neck of the woods. To those of you who handle the demands of cyclists, day in, day out, good customers and bad: thank you for all you do. I’m a fan.

Look what my awesome wife found In the basement, right where it liberated itself last saturday! She’s like a bounty hunter of lost electronics, but without the mullet.

[UPDATE]: So I wore it into work today. My route had more road exposure so I kept it low enough that I could easily hear when my shift needed trimming, and that seemed to work fine, though I don’t think this will become a regular occurence on D.C. streets.

In any case, some initial thoughts:

• Earbuds aren’t going to cut it, ultimately. I’ll have to find something with a more positive connection to my head, hopefully an open-driver model that allows world-noise to come through. I had a pair of Sennheiser portable headphones at one point that were perfect for that, though probably too bulky to fit in a helmet.
• Band/Song I would’ve thought would be a good driver but wasn’t so great: Circle Jerks, Deny Everything. Too fast, too short, and 3 beat changes (none of which I could keep up with). Good in the sense that a triple shot of espresso would’ve been.
• Band/Song I wouldn’t have thought would be so great but turned out to work really well: Fleet Foxes, White Winter Hymnal. Oh, sure, it’s got pretty pretty harmonizing, and seems like it belongs more to the cable-knit sweater crowd. But it’s got an outstanding tempo, and kettle drums, and what’s wrong with pretty? I really liked spinning to this. Besides… I kinda like cable-knits. Don’t look at me at like that.
• Band/Song that was every bit as awesome and bad-ass as I thought it was gonna be: Rush, Spirit of the Radio. God damn it was awesome when this came up. Out of all the Rush songs that I love, and there are many, this one is just irresistable to me. I think I could load up a playlist with just this song, do five hours of riding, and still be pounding my handlebars along with Mr. Peart. (Yeah, I know you don’t like ‘em, get stuffed Canada Hater.)
• Band/Song that dangerously surpassed my expectations of awesome-ness: Mudhoney, Thorn. Mudhoney makes me wanna bunny hop a flaming trench on an Xtracycle. This cannot be on any playlist for any ride where other people’s safety is involved. Dammit.

The shuffle thing’s kinda hit and miss. I went from a Jerry Reed tune to Roxy Music at one point, the transition didn’t work and Roxy Music sapped the bounce. So it seems like crafting an 8-hour-long mix tape is what it’s gonna take to manage the ups and downs. But, I was pretty stoked and surprised to have this one come up.

There’s nothing in me that belongs on this blog right now, I’ll be back when there is.

The next forty is gonna make the first forty look like the first twenty did to the next twenty. Know what I mean?

I love you, Happy Birthday!

Prohibition: it works really well, when people don’t want to do what you’re prohibiting anyway! For things people actually are into and have decided are okay? Um… well let’s hear it from IOZ.

The idea that “everyone is doing it”–at least, a significant plurality is doing it–doesn’t constitute a moral defense of the practice is tendentious at best, and even flies in the face of our own Supreme Court, which has in other matters has noted “evolving standards of decency.” After decades of prohibition, Americans have roundly concluded that smoking marijuana isn’t bad, and the fact that we continue to waste blood (mostly other peoples’) and treasure defending ourselves from our own largest cash crop is perhaps our greatest single example of the sunk costs fallacy, the notion that after all those billions of dollars and millions of incarcerations and thousands of lousy ads, quitting now, so to speak, would be giving up.

There’s an alternate world in which Monsieur IOZ has his own radio show and a cable news punditry gig, where Wolf Blitzer is frequently Employee of the Month at a Men’s Wearhouse. In that universe, I own a television and I watch it happily.

It was fun, family had a great Christmas, wife and I gave each other wool, we ate a buncha turkey with friends, the kids are down, it’s done and it’s quiet.

Merry Christmas to you and yours.

34th St, Baltimore